Raising Great Kids Blog

Being loved has got to be one of the most crucial needs of  all mankind.  Regardless of how healthy and wealthy we might be, if we are deprived of love, our life is likely to be miserable and even unbearable.

In his highly respected audio series “The Psychology of Achievement”, Brian Tracy talks about a trial that was carried out in the late 1940′s where babies were divided into two groups.  The babies in the first group were cared for and loved.  The babies in the second group only had their physical needs met and were then put back in their cribs.  The trial had to be stopped, well before the planned end date, because the babies in the second group were literally withering away and dying.  It’s a terrifying story, but the message is powerful.  Babies need love to survive.

So what is Unconditional Love?

This is a phrase that gets used a lot these days.  But what does unconditional love mean? and how does it relate to Raising Great Kids?

I had a quick look in Wikipedia and here’s what it had to say:-

“Unconditional Love – is a term that means to love someone regardless of one’s actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in a Christian context to describe the belief in God’s love for humankind through the forgiveness of Christ.”

I think the first sentence sums it up nicely.  Unconditional love means to love someone regardless of one’s actions or beliefs.

And how does that relate to Raising Great Kids?

How does loving someone, regardless of actions or beliefs, relate to raising great kids?  Well, it means we love our children, regardless of what they might do,  say or believe.  We might not like what our children are doing, but we still absolutely and unconditionally love them.  And I believe children need to know this is how we feel about them from the moment they are born until ‘forever’ – the loving doesn’t stop at any particular age.  Think about a Mom who’s son has done something terribly wrong and ended up in prison.  Do you think his Mom no longer loves him?  Of course not.  She loves him regardless, even though she may hate what he has done.

The danger of the withdrawing of love

I’m certain there is nothing more terrifying to a child than to have his or her parents withdraw, or threaten to withdraw their love.  In the audio series mentioned earlier, Brian Tracy talks about how some parents might manipulate their children to behave in a certain way by threatening to withdraw their love.  The reason many parents are tempted to use this type of manipulation is because it works!  Children are terrified to think that their Mommy and Daddy wont love them anymore, so they do what is being asked.  Unfortunately this type of manipulation can eventually lead to negative habit patterns in children because they think they are only worthy if they always do what their parents ask – and later in life this can lead to psychic trauma.

“I don’t love you anymore”

Has your child ever said this to you?  If they have it’s probably over some trivial thing (in your mind at least) like not buying them a 2 scoop ice-cream just before lunch, or stopping them doing some activity prior to them injuring themselves.  It might hurt a bit,  to hear your child say this, but ask yourself where they’ve learned it?  This could be a child’s attempt to use love withdrawal as emotional blackmail, just as their parents may have used it on them – or perhaps they are copying what they have seen on TV or read in books.  I’m sure the best solution here is for parents never to use love withdrawal on their children and instead reaffirm their  unconditional love.

Tell your kids you love them every day

I’m convinced that if children know they have parents or carers who truly love them they cope better in every day life throughout  their childhood.  I remember when my youngest son, about 6 or 7 at the time, was asked at school to write down why he was so special.  His answer was  beautiful and I’ll share it with you now.  He said “I’m special because my Mom tells me she loves me every day”.  And I do – and he is special.

There are no manuals for raising great kids, yet as parents I think the majority of us do a fabulous job.  It’s often a case of learning as we go.  We make mistakes along the way, but we learn from those mistakes and have the courage to say we are wrong or we are sorry when necessary.

What are your thoughts on unconditional love?  You can leave comments and suggestions below.

Thanks for reading Raising Great Kids Blog.

You might also enjoy reading:

Raising Great Kids – Children Sharing

Raising Great Kids – Letting Go

Jan Littlehales